Feeding or fishing?

This was at the end of the 2.5k swimathon. I was 22 weeks pregnant and very proud to have finished this swim (I counted wrong and thought I'd finished but was only half way - gutted!). I'm with two fab women who I miss.

I went back to swimming for the first time since giving birth - it was excellent! I reached up to pull down and rotated and kicked and kept my tail bone curled under...my body felt like it was moving the way it was supposed to for the first time in a long time! I was hungry the whole day and so thirsty. I felt back to my normal self. I also caught up with a good friend on the way and wasn't 'Mum' for 2 whole hours, it was such a nice break.

While I was swimming the bubbas gave my husband a run for his money. I felt bad but also a bit glad that I'd escaped a simultaneous infant's screaming fit and toddler melt down. They're both fab little ones when they're settled but if they both need help at the same time it can feel really stressful. My husband is worried I'll struggle when he's working lots next week and is usually really insightful so I hope I'm not underplaying how hard it is and ask for help.

I find asking for help difficult. I've always enjoyed the challenge of doing things independently but the older I get the more I realise it's much easier and sociable to work with someone else. I find it easier helping others more that accepting help but am really working on it.

Focused Mind?

I'm really glad I wrote the marathon plan. It's meant that I have set time aside for myself and focused my running efforts on something manageable. Going out 3 times per week is needed and doable. This month my longest run is 4 miles, which I did by adding a mile before parkrun. I then allow myself to run shorter distances on the other days and play around with a bit of hills or speed. I actually felt athletic!

This week I went out with my sister and it was fantastic to run with someone and be distracted from feeling tired. I was tired because the newborn had been up 3 times, the toddler once and non of us were in bed as early as we should have been. It's amazing how much lack of sleep impacts everything - concentration, mood & appetite.

My back is still feeling weak and the running motion feel unnatural. I feel better when I've done core exercises and drills. I found this stretching & glut information pack:

http://www.cspc.co.uk/index.php/complex-conditions/your-body-during-pregnancy/injury-prevention-for-pregnant-athletes/

I expected to find running specific information about ways to help the stomach muscles come back together. The You Tube vidoes I have been watching focus on getting back into 'shape' after pregnancy so they talk a lot about building inner core strength before progressing onto sit ups etc. I wonder whether it is more a concern where the aim is having a flat stomach.

I had been feeling a lot better about my post-pregnancy body but recently a two innocent comments have put me back. I want to feel OK about not being 'in shape'. I've struggled to finish this paragraph because there are so many issues linked in with being a female that I don't know where to start.

Not feeling athletic...yet!

Before giving birth I'd bought some new running shorts and t-shirt as something to look forward to through the tough early days new born days. I tried them on today and felt so out of shape physically and mentally I took them off again. I wonder how long it will take to feel like a runner?

My 6th run was my longest, time-wise, so far at 31 mins. It felt tough; I'd eaten a lot of lunch and not run last week so felt out of it mentally. True to the title of my blog, I fed the newborn and then slipped out for the run. It was nice to be out and really reassuring that my husband looked more relaxed than the first time I went out. It feels like things are settling down as we're closing in on the 3 month milestone. I'm still feeding through the night though and I worry that I've gotten into bad habits - feeding him to sleep because it's the quick. I could just not feed him but hate to hear him cry.

My 7th and 8th run felt hard as well - my limbs felt like they don't know what they're doing and my back feels weak. However, the silver lining in my 7th run was meeting an old running friend. She was walking her dog and we got chatting about getting back to feeling 'normal' after having time out from running. I felt so humbled as she described feeling self conscious when running after a mastectomy. My self consciousness about by wider midriff put me to shame. To top it off I then ran past an older lady, struggling to lower herself into a chair on her porch and she yelled "You're fit!". I was bowled over and so appreciative of the positive heckle that I immediately called back "Thank you!" and felt really proud of myself for making the effort to get out the door. I had my mum to thank too for looking after both my children.

My marathon plan is finally started - it will be a work in progress as I adapt to how my body feels throughout the next 8 months. I aim for my long run to be 4 miles (once per week) for the whole of August and work up to 6 miles throughout September. I've been working on getting my transverse abs (the muscles that separate to let the baby grow) using a 10 minute post natal pilates you tube video . I like it because I feel like I can spare 10 minutes and the exercises are really suited to my current muscle ability. I've also factored in dynamic warm up exercises before and stretching after.

Female self confidence...Mini Mermaids vs This Girl Can

Last week: Marathon miles = 0 ... but lots of walking. Next week - back to parkrun and another run during the week plus making my London training plan.

Monday was the first night I went back to South Leeds Sisters to join in. I took the newborn with me and joined in with the walk/run group, attached to the club - Leeds Girls Can Run. Lisa was leading and was really welcoming and made sure we were all comfy with the pace and all happy to walk. I was more than happy for them to go ahead and do some reps while I caught up walking but they all said they would rather we walked together than leave me to catch up. I was really refreshing being out in the evening sun, walking through the park and sharing experiences.
I was worried the whole time I'd need to feed and would feel vulnerable doing so in the park. I'm certain that the ladies would have sat with me but I didn't want to hold them up.

When we got back I was able to feed in the safety of the sport centre bar and one of the lovely ladies sat with me and we had a really interesting conversation about Mini Mermaids. The programme is about helping girls feel comfy in their own skin and we pondered why we, as adults, still don't feel completely there yet. Personally, I struggle to say 'No' and even to small things like meeting up with a friend if I've got things on already - I'll try to squeeze everything in and end up not enjoying myself because I'm already rushing to the next thing. We wondered if it's a fear of rejection....like if I say no to something, will the person think I've rejected them and in turn reject me? If so, why should that matter? Surely I have enough about myself (and them) to say "that's not what I want to do right now but we could arrange something later". What interests me most is where did it all start? Does a programme like Mini Mermaids help? Or will our patriarchal society always make us feel like we're not good enough?

First Post Birth (solo) parkrun

Team Button

I did it! It was a lovely morning and fab to catch up with so many of my Sisters at the start. I set off in the middle of the pack and nervously trotted - I really wasn't sure about the pace and was glad to see Duncan, from Farsley Flyers, who ran with me for a bit. We chatted about the underlying features of successful new running clubs. Running for fun, rather than promoting competition seemed to be our conclusion.

Our pace was comfortable but by the last 1KM I was feeling it. My husband and little ones were cheering me on and that kept me going...apart from when the toddler started to get upset that I was running away from her, again! I just about kept up the pace and dug in for the last hill, ending in a sprint finish and time of a bit over 27 mins. I was delighted! I'd run the whole way and not struggled with 'shoulds' and "I used to do...", blah, blah!

I was elated for the rest of the morning and still proud 4 days after.

On reflection, I had been worried that I'd get comments about the way I looked and the time I'd do. I had practised my responses - "Thanks!", "I've eased up on the cake", and "Not as fast as I used to run" but none of these felt right. Luckily no one said anything about my size or 'bouncing back'. For me the biggest achievement after having a baby is keeping sane in the months afterwards.