Grieving for my old life

It's been a while since I sat down to put my thoughts on the screen. For a few reasons...the biggest one is finding something new to talk about and finding the time where it's just me. I wasn't going to bother saying it because it's boring this blog has triggered lots of conversations about shared experience and it's nice to not feel on my own.

Since my last post I have run 2 more 5 mile long runs (this is Gemma and I at the end of a gentle local loop).

I've upped the effort sections in the hill/effort runs and have now started feeling more like I used to. My body still looks different but the marathon plan has helped get me out 3 times in the week and I'm now seeing the results.

I went back to run at South Leeds Sisters. There were 3 of us returning after some time off and the heavens treated us to autumn rain and we were cold!

I'm getting more used to the rhythm of our week days now, it's still hard to get out of the door and my toddler has started potty training so that adds an extra layer of anxiety and forward thinking but I try to do just one thing in the morning and that seems to be working well. I feel like I'm less annoyed at being less productive than I used to be and in talking to a friend about this she framed it as grieving for her old life (and body). I liked the idea because it feels like a journey of getting used to a new life and letting go of your old life. Life moves on and there are things you'll loose and things you'll gain but to wish it can be any different is unhelpful.

This brings me onto the journey I'm going on with my body. It all started with conceiving...my body was mine and the little ones. I changed what I ate, stopped drinking and didn't push the exercise. Now I'm just breast feeding I have a little more control over it but it looks and feels different. I'm struggling to get my head around it and it's been interesting to see my thoughts change.

Initially I wasn't bothered about the extra size - I'd just given birth & that's massive! But as time went on I started to notice how the extra cake "for the baby" didn't shrink like my uterus did. With well meaning comments like "Well done for getting back into shape" I felt annoyed rather than encouraged. What shape did people want me to be? What shape do I want to be? Why can't I be happy with the shape I am? I started eating more cake and biscuits while imagining putting one finger up to the world.

I'm still doing it...it feels like self sabotage but it's something I have control over. I started searching for a way to feel OK with how I look right now so I can have control without eating more. I want to be confident what ever shape I am. I'm currently trying to wear my old clothes again. I look different but have decided to embrace it and it's really nice to have more choice in my wardrobe. Picking tops that I can feed and hide my tummy was limiting but choosing with just feeding in mind is loads easier. I even wore slimmer running t-shirt at parkrun this morning and no one batted an eyelid - my friends or me! It was nice to have my club t-shirt back on too. I wonder if is this part of getting used to my new body - I'm still me, just a little different.

The different feeling of doing parkrun with a double buggy was awesome too! I got lots of praise for my efforts and my toddler proudly described me as "Strong Mummy!" and I was beaming! I couldn't have had the feedback without having had children.

5 Mile Moan

The first Sunday of September marked upping the mileage - I was dreading it! I recruited my fab friend, Sarah, to help me through it. We've had our children at very similar times and, luckily for me, her youngest is 7 months so she's a little further on in her recovery and has done all her Great North Run training so was happy to pull me round a 5 mile loop. 

Us before we set off:

After:

My smile has widened and so has my hair! This is the look of a massive sense of achievement. It was really hard. Sarah was a really good partner, she talked me through the route so I knew where the inclines were and where the flat started so I could look forward to them.

5 miles doesn't sound a lot in my head because my pre-baby long run was generally 10 miles so it was hard to get my head around why I felt tired. Saying that I did really well at not beating myself up - I kept reminding myself to run tall and tuck my tail bone under, relax my shoulders and take in the scenery. By the last mile my concentration was slipping and was really glad when my watched bleeped to mark 5 miles. I was so happy we carried on to the car!

Sarah and I had a good debrief about the week with our children and it was really nice to have the safety to talk about the negative parts without worrying she thought I was moaning. We discussed why we don't do it more. I'm worried people will think I'm boring. I think I feel like that because I read that most of what we see and are told about the way the world works is written and told by men and any other topic or view point is an alternative to the norm. I studied psychology and found out that psychological theory is based on the observations of boys and men which is then applied to everyone. Women's experience isn't the same - both genders are treated and develop differently. This isn't taken into account. I have recently been reading about the women's experience and I get a fantastic feeling of being at home. Maybe I have been reading the wrong things!

This also brings me onto the Bechdel test and to ponder which films, books and wider media feature women who are talking about interesting things.

Meta rant over...recovery food!!!! I do wonder if the best bit about running is the eating afterwards! I managed to sneak chocolate past my toddler too - not sure which is the biggest achievement!

Downgrading the distance

7 months to go and I've already changed my long run distances and effort sessions. I've backed off the distance so I'm increasing more slowly and I've increased the focused faster reps within the shorter runs. The faster bits motivate me to keep going, I think partly because I'm focusing on moving like a runner and therefore not thinking of how hard it is. I've decided not to increase the long run as quickly as I'd first planned as my back still feels sore after running and I'm concerned my abs & pelvic floor haven't recovered enough to withstand the constant pounding.

It feels really nice (and strange) to downsize my efforts - I'm so used to pushing harder than I feel ready for. I think running is a funny one because it's such a solo sport you need to push yourself id you want to improve and no one else will do it for you. It's not like a team game where someone else takes the game forward while you wait your turn.

I feel in charge and like I'm finally listening to my own mind and body as what's right for me right now. It's still hard to decide when to make the call though...who knows, by April I might be a self coached running guru!!

This week I ran one of my old routes in a similar time to pre-baby, I was so happy! I feel like I'm getting somewhere. It's funny because as I was stretching afterwards I looked down and chuckled at my hips being wider and wondered how much the physical change effects the movement.

Baby blues

I've been feeling blue this last 2 weeks and it's really surprised me because the newborn is crying less, I've been getting more sleep, the breast feeding is comfy now and I've been getting back into running. The reason hit me last week, when I was getting food prepared for a family BBQ. The little ones were in bed (Yes - both of them!), Craig Charles was on and I felt like things were finally settling down. I looked at the monitor and the newborn was fast asleep. Not crying. Not wanting feeding. Not needing me. Not needing me. Not needing me.

It struck me like a lightening bolt and brought a tear to my eye. I've spent the last 12 months devoted to growing him, giving birth, getting to grips with feeding, trying to survive the day times and all of a sudden it feels like I've been made redundant.

I soon realised I should have been proud of myself for getting through it. I still felt lost though. I felt something similar with my first. That's life!