It's been a while since I sat down to put my thoughts on the screen. For a few reasons...the biggest one is finding something new to talk about and finding the time where it's just me. I wasn't going to bother saying it because it's boring this blog has triggered lots of conversations about shared experience and it's nice to not feel on my own.
Since my last post I have run 2 more 5 mile long runs (this is Gemma and I at the end of a gentle local loop).
I've upped the effort sections in the hill/effort runs and have now started feeling more like I used to. My body still looks different but the marathon plan has helped get me out 3 times in the week and I'm now seeing the results.
I went back to run at South Leeds Sisters. There were 3 of us returning after some time off and the heavens treated us to autumn rain and we were cold!
I'm getting more used to the rhythm of our week days now, it's still hard to get out of the door and my toddler has started potty training so that adds an extra layer of anxiety and forward thinking but I try to do just one thing in the morning and that seems to be working well. I feel like I'm less annoyed at being less productive than I used to be and in talking to a friend about this she framed it as grieving for her old life (and body). I liked the idea because it feels like a journey of getting used to a new life and letting go of your old life. Life moves on and there are things you'll loose and things you'll gain but to wish it can be any different is unhelpful.
This brings me onto the journey I'm going on with my body. It all started with conceiving...my body was mine and the little ones. I changed what I ate, stopped drinking and didn't push the exercise. Now I'm just breast feeding I have a little more control over it but it looks and feels different. I'm struggling to get my head around it and it's been interesting to see my thoughts change.
Initially I wasn't bothered about the extra size - I'd just given birth & that's massive! But as time went on I started to notice how the extra cake "for the baby" didn't shrink like my uterus did. With well meaning comments like "Well done for getting back into shape" I felt annoyed rather than encouraged. What shape did people want me to be? What shape do I want to be? Why can't I be happy with the shape I am? I started eating more cake and biscuits while imagining putting one finger up to the world.
I'm still doing it...it feels like self sabotage but it's something I have control over. I started searching for a way to feel OK with how I look right now so I can have control without eating more. I want to be confident what ever shape I am. I'm currently trying to wear my old clothes again. I look different but have decided to embrace it and it's really nice to have more choice in my wardrobe. Picking tops that I can feed and hide my tummy was limiting but choosing with just feeding in mind is loads easier. I even wore slimmer running t-shirt at parkrun this morning and no one batted an eyelid - my friends or me! It was nice to have my club t-shirt back on too. I wonder if is this part of getting used to my new body - I'm still me, just a little different.
The different feeling of doing parkrun with a double buggy was awesome too! I got lots of praise for my efforts and my toddler proudly described me as "Strong Mummy!" and I was beaming! I couldn't have had the feedback without having had children.
This brings me onto the journey I'm going on with my body. It all started with conceiving...my body was mine and the little ones. I changed what I ate, stopped drinking and didn't push the exercise. Now I'm just breast feeding I have a little more control over it but it looks and feels different. I'm struggling to get my head around it and it's been interesting to see my thoughts change.
Initially I wasn't bothered about the extra size - I'd just given birth & that's massive! But as time went on I started to notice how the extra cake "for the baby" didn't shrink like my uterus did. With well meaning comments like "Well done for getting back into shape" I felt annoyed rather than encouraged. What shape did people want me to be? What shape do I want to be? Why can't I be happy with the shape I am? I started eating more cake and biscuits while imagining putting one finger up to the world.
I'm still doing it...it feels like self sabotage but it's something I have control over. I started searching for a way to feel OK with how I look right now so I can have control without eating more. I want to be confident what ever shape I am. I'm currently trying to wear my old clothes again. I look different but have decided to embrace it and it's really nice to have more choice in my wardrobe. Picking tops that I can feed and hide my tummy was limiting but choosing with just feeding in mind is loads easier. I even wore slimmer running t-shirt at parkrun this morning and no one batted an eyelid - my friends or me! It was nice to have my club t-shirt back on too. I wonder if is this part of getting used to my new body - I'm still me, just a little different.
The different feeling of doing parkrun with a double buggy was awesome too! I got lots of praise for my efforts and my toddler proudly described me as "Strong Mummy!" and I was beaming! I couldn't have had the feedback without having had children.
No comments:
Post a Comment