10 miles on Ilkey Moor Bar t'at

So I met Sarah Smith (fellow Valley runner) outside the supermarket on Saturday night and casually mentioned I wanted to run 8 miles in the morning (upping my miles again therefore wanting to forget about time and just enjoy it) and she invited me along to a run on Ilkley Moor with Mike Ayers (Founder of North Leeds Fell Runners).

It was Fab! It was a sunny, frosty morning, Sarah picked me up at 7am and we were on the fell side for 8am (ish). As soon as Mike heard I was a relatively new comer to the lesser known trods of Ilkley Moor he got very excited. We bagged 3 checkpoints, a forest, Swastica stones, a plane wreckage and a decomposed sheep.

After 2 1/2 hours I'd gone 10 miles! What an achievement! We walked bits and jogged bits and talked lots. I miss the fells...and maybe more importantly to Strava users...my watch!

Despite the running world not being able to analyse my times & distance, my stress levels and sense of self logged every vista, sun beam and aimless conversation. I'd had a short (but passionate!) cry the night before and really valued time back in my old life - on the hills, no buggy, no nappies...no worries. I even got bored after 2 hours and opted for a shorter route home.

PECO this weekend - bring it on!

7 miles long run

After many weeks of blogging silence I'm ready to share again. Thank you to all the lovely people who stretched out a friendly, supportive hand over the last few weeks. It really boosted me. John (below - at the end of parkrun), shared his memories of life with two young children and was really honest and I have loved this about this blog; hearing about other's experiences which otherwise would have gone unheard.

Thanks to John for taking/talking me through the second half of my first 10K after the Holly Hustle defeat. I ran to the park (3m) and then did parkrun (3m) and was as pleased as punch to have done it.

I then ran a few times through the week and then did a 10k in just over 45 minutes - to say I was proud is an understatement...I still haven't shut up about it! It was a cold and sunny morning, a flat route with plenty of cheerful faces.

The best bit was meeting up with the South Leeds Sisters at the start and cheering them on along the route. For 2 days after I relished the nostalgic ache and heavy legs.

I had planned to be up to a 10 mile ling run by January but I'm a bit behind. I plan on running each day in December (even if it's only 20 minutes with the buggy) and that should help get me into the swing of things. My toddler has stopped napping so mid afternoon is being earmarked for training and I've dug out super warm pram suits to keep them both warm on my adventures.

7 miles for my log run this month...starting tomorrow!

Sorry

The storm has passed and I now regret having had a rant publically. My husband came off worst and I feel awful. It's not his fault I'm overwhelmed.

This is a fairly typical sight each morning (they're probably watching 'Hey Dougee'!) and I'm sorry I portrayed his support as anything less than round the clock devotion.

Neither of us have enough time or energy to do something for ourselves each day. We're both bogged down with toddler tantrums, potty training, poo-ey nappies, 3am feeds, tired infants, work (paid or unpaid), cooking and cleaning. We both miss running when we want, lie ins, popping out for a quick pint and having a bath in peace. I was too busy thinking about how hard it is and I forgot he's in it too.

Sorry x


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Holly Hustle - Holly shuffle

So the Hustle started well - the technical descent through the woods to Meanwood park was exhilarating and I got up some good speed.  As we went parallel to the stream I eased up into a nice pace but felt out of sorts. I managed to keep running for the next 15 minutes but as we descended down through to the bottom of the park & along the duck board bridge I felt tired. I started to walk. I kept running and walking, thinking that I'd walk as much as I needed and run when I could. The walking sections increased and it was harder and harder to run. My tummy felt sore, I needed the loo and I really needed a drink.

I'd had a headache the night before and dodgy tummy in the morning. I'd been encouraged to have a slice of toast but couldn't stomach much more than a glass of water & a cup of black tea.

Just before half way I decided to give it up as a bad job and started back for the finish - good job I new the area! I was proud of myself for deciding to turn back - it felt right, going on would have been an insult to injury. Safe as to say I spent the rest of the day in bed and bottle fed the little one.

There is always next year.

4 months, 6 miles & trapped

It was Little One's 4 month birthday this week and the start of a new month which marks upping my long run. I'm a bit nervous and I think he senses it because as I write this he's staring at me, it's quite unnerving!

Even though I'm not fit enough to race there's a 6.8 mile trail race that's got a good name - Holly Hustle! I missed it last year because I was too pregnant but I've no excuse this year! I'll try to feed just before I go and be back within 4 hours.

The 4 hour feeding regime is a challenge but I'm sticking it to it in the hope I'll get more sleep soon. The toddler was poorly this week and Little One wasn't sleeping well so I was back to feeling fragile and the littlest thing made me cry.

The intensity of looking after such young children, most of the time by myself, has made me feel trapped. Before I had the second we (the toddler and I) would do something in the morning and during her afternoon nap I would have time to myself. Since the second one coming I've lost the afternoon nap because he doesn't settle very well yet. Last week I could feel the frustration building up and by Sunday I wanted to scream. I had made some attempts to talk about how I felt but didn't feel like anyone was listening.

I went running. The woods were really therapeutic; the sun shone, it was quiet & I was alone.

I jogged, walked, sobbed and sang Roxy Music, Love is the drug (substituting 'love' for 'running'). I thought about how Little One could survive without me now he takes a bottle. I thought about how unfair it was that my husband can have a lunch break and take himself off for a run without having to arrange childcare. I wondered about going back to work.

I realised a few things:

• I wanted my body back for some part of the day
• I wanted someone else to take full responsibility for the children for some part of the day
• I want to do something for me each day

I was annoyed at myself for not spotting the warning signs of the implosion. I decided to plan how I wanted to go forward and felt loads better for it. 

Over the last week we've made changes to our routine - practical things like my husband doing a formula feed at 11pm so my body is mine from 7pm-3am and my husband taking turns to settle Little One through the night. I've felt loads better and, apart from a quickly remedied relapse this weekend, have been sticking to the plan. So far so good!

Now on to the Holly Hustle...eek!

Grieving for my old life

It's been a while since I sat down to put my thoughts on the screen. For a few reasons...the biggest one is finding something new to talk about and finding the time where it's just me. I wasn't going to bother saying it because it's boring this blog has triggered lots of conversations about shared experience and it's nice to not feel on my own.

Since my last post I have run 2 more 5 mile long runs (this is Gemma and I at the end of a gentle local loop).

I've upped the effort sections in the hill/effort runs and have now started feeling more like I used to. My body still looks different but the marathon plan has helped get me out 3 times in the week and I'm now seeing the results.

I went back to run at South Leeds Sisters. There were 3 of us returning after some time off and the heavens treated us to autumn rain and we were cold!

I'm getting more used to the rhythm of our week days now, it's still hard to get out of the door and my toddler has started potty training so that adds an extra layer of anxiety and forward thinking but I try to do just one thing in the morning and that seems to be working well. I feel like I'm less annoyed at being less productive than I used to be and in talking to a friend about this she framed it as grieving for her old life (and body). I liked the idea because it feels like a journey of getting used to a new life and letting go of your old life. Life moves on and there are things you'll loose and things you'll gain but to wish it can be any different is unhelpful.

This brings me onto the journey I'm going on with my body. It all started with conceiving...my body was mine and the little ones. I changed what I ate, stopped drinking and didn't push the exercise. Now I'm just breast feeding I have a little more control over it but it looks and feels different. I'm struggling to get my head around it and it's been interesting to see my thoughts change.

Initially I wasn't bothered about the extra size - I'd just given birth & that's massive! But as time went on I started to notice how the extra cake "for the baby" didn't shrink like my uterus did. With well meaning comments like "Well done for getting back into shape" I felt annoyed rather than encouraged. What shape did people want me to be? What shape do I want to be? Why can't I be happy with the shape I am? I started eating more cake and biscuits while imagining putting one finger up to the world.

I'm still doing it...it feels like self sabotage but it's something I have control over. I started searching for a way to feel OK with how I look right now so I can have control without eating more. I want to be confident what ever shape I am. I'm currently trying to wear my old clothes again. I look different but have decided to embrace it and it's really nice to have more choice in my wardrobe. Picking tops that I can feed and hide my tummy was limiting but choosing with just feeding in mind is loads easier. I even wore slimmer running t-shirt at parkrun this morning and no one batted an eyelid - my friends or me! It was nice to have my club t-shirt back on too. I wonder if is this part of getting used to my new body - I'm still me, just a little different.

The different feeling of doing parkrun with a double buggy was awesome too! I got lots of praise for my efforts and my toddler proudly described me as "Strong Mummy!" and I was beaming! I couldn't have had the feedback without having had children.

5 Mile Moan

The first Sunday of September marked upping the mileage - I was dreading it! I recruited my fab friend, Sarah, to help me through it. We've had our children at very similar times and, luckily for me, her youngest is 7 months so she's a little further on in her recovery and has done all her Great North Run training so was happy to pull me round a 5 mile loop. 

Us before we set off:

After:

My smile has widened and so has my hair! This is the look of a massive sense of achievement. It was really hard. Sarah was a really good partner, she talked me through the route so I knew where the inclines were and where the flat started so I could look forward to them.

5 miles doesn't sound a lot in my head because my pre-baby long run was generally 10 miles so it was hard to get my head around why I felt tired. Saying that I did really well at not beating myself up - I kept reminding myself to run tall and tuck my tail bone under, relax my shoulders and take in the scenery. By the last mile my concentration was slipping and was really glad when my watched bleeped to mark 5 miles. I was so happy we carried on to the car!

Sarah and I had a good debrief about the week with our children and it was really nice to have the safety to talk about the negative parts without worrying she thought I was moaning. We discussed why we don't do it more. I'm worried people will think I'm boring. I think I feel like that because I read that most of what we see and are told about the way the world works is written and told by men and any other topic or view point is an alternative to the norm. I studied psychology and found out that psychological theory is based on the observations of boys and men which is then applied to everyone. Women's experience isn't the same - both genders are treated and develop differently. This isn't taken into account. I have recently been reading about the women's experience and I get a fantastic feeling of being at home. Maybe I have been reading the wrong things!

This also brings me onto the Bechdel test and to ponder which films, books and wider media feature women who are talking about interesting things.

Meta rant over...recovery food!!!! I do wonder if the best bit about running is the eating afterwards! I managed to sneak chocolate past my toddler too - not sure which is the biggest achievement!

Downgrading the distance

7 months to go and I've already changed my long run distances and effort sessions. I've backed off the distance so I'm increasing more slowly and I've increased the focused faster reps within the shorter runs. The faster bits motivate me to keep going, I think partly because I'm focusing on moving like a runner and therefore not thinking of how hard it is. I've decided not to increase the long run as quickly as I'd first planned as my back still feels sore after running and I'm concerned my abs & pelvic floor haven't recovered enough to withstand the constant pounding.

It feels really nice (and strange) to downsize my efforts - I'm so used to pushing harder than I feel ready for. I think running is a funny one because it's such a solo sport you need to push yourself id you want to improve and no one else will do it for you. It's not like a team game where someone else takes the game forward while you wait your turn.

I feel in charge and like I'm finally listening to my own mind and body as what's right for me right now. It's still hard to decide when to make the call though...who knows, by April I might be a self coached running guru!!

This week I ran one of my old routes in a similar time to pre-baby, I was so happy! I feel like I'm getting somewhere. It's funny because as I was stretching afterwards I looked down and chuckled at my hips being wider and wondered how much the physical change effects the movement.

Baby blues

I've been feeling blue this last 2 weeks and it's really surprised me because the newborn is crying less, I've been getting more sleep, the breast feeding is comfy now and I've been getting back into running. The reason hit me last week, when I was getting food prepared for a family BBQ. The little ones were in bed (Yes - both of them!), Craig Charles was on and I felt like things were finally settling down. I looked at the monitor and the newborn was fast asleep. Not crying. Not wanting feeding. Not needing me. Not needing me. Not needing me.

It struck me like a lightening bolt and brought a tear to my eye. I've spent the last 12 months devoted to growing him, giving birth, getting to grips with feeding, trying to survive the day times and all of a sudden it feels like I've been made redundant.

I soon realised I should have been proud of myself for getting through it. I still felt lost though. I felt something similar with my first. That's life!

Feeding or fishing?

This was at the end of the 2.5k swimathon. I was 22 weeks pregnant and very proud to have finished this swim (I counted wrong and thought I'd finished but was only half way - gutted!). I'm with two fab women who I miss.

I went back to swimming for the first time since giving birth - it was excellent! I reached up to pull down and rotated and kicked and kept my tail bone curled under...my body felt like it was moving the way it was supposed to for the first time in a long time! I was hungry the whole day and so thirsty. I felt back to my normal self. I also caught up with a good friend on the way and wasn't 'Mum' for 2 whole hours, it was such a nice break.

While I was swimming the bubbas gave my husband a run for his money. I felt bad but also a bit glad that I'd escaped a simultaneous infant's screaming fit and toddler melt down. They're both fab little ones when they're settled but if they both need help at the same time it can feel really stressful. My husband is worried I'll struggle when he's working lots next week and is usually really insightful so I hope I'm not underplaying how hard it is and ask for help.

I find asking for help difficult. I've always enjoyed the challenge of doing things independently but the older I get the more I realise it's much easier and sociable to work with someone else. I find it easier helping others more that accepting help but am really working on it.

Focused Mind?

I'm really glad I wrote the marathon plan. It's meant that I have set time aside for myself and focused my running efforts on something manageable. Going out 3 times per week is needed and doable. This month my longest run is 4 miles, which I did by adding a mile before parkrun. I then allow myself to run shorter distances on the other days and play around with a bit of hills or speed. I actually felt athletic!

This week I went out with my sister and it was fantastic to run with someone and be distracted from feeling tired. I was tired because the newborn had been up 3 times, the toddler once and non of us were in bed as early as we should have been. It's amazing how much lack of sleep impacts everything - concentration, mood & appetite.

My back is still feeling weak and the running motion feel unnatural. I feel better when I've done core exercises and drills. I found this stretching & glut information pack:

http://www.cspc.co.uk/index.php/complex-conditions/your-body-during-pregnancy/injury-prevention-for-pregnant-athletes/

I expected to find running specific information about ways to help the stomach muscles come back together. The You Tube vidoes I have been watching focus on getting back into 'shape' after pregnancy so they talk a lot about building inner core strength before progressing onto sit ups etc. I wonder whether it is more a concern where the aim is having a flat stomach.

I had been feeling a lot better about my post-pregnancy body but recently a two innocent comments have put me back. I want to feel OK about not being 'in shape'. I've struggled to finish this paragraph because there are so many issues linked in with being a female that I don't know where to start.

Not feeling athletic...yet!

Before giving birth I'd bought some new running shorts and t-shirt as something to look forward to through the tough early days new born days. I tried them on today and felt so out of shape physically and mentally I took them off again. I wonder how long it will take to feel like a runner?

My 6th run was my longest, time-wise, so far at 31 mins. It felt tough; I'd eaten a lot of lunch and not run last week so felt out of it mentally. True to the title of my blog, I fed the newborn and then slipped out for the run. It was nice to be out and really reassuring that my husband looked more relaxed than the first time I went out. It feels like things are settling down as we're closing in on the 3 month milestone. I'm still feeding through the night though and I worry that I've gotten into bad habits - feeding him to sleep because it's the quick. I could just not feed him but hate to hear him cry.

My 7th and 8th run felt hard as well - my limbs felt like they don't know what they're doing and my back feels weak. However, the silver lining in my 7th run was meeting an old running friend. She was walking her dog and we got chatting about getting back to feeling 'normal' after having time out from running. I felt so humbled as she described feeling self conscious when running after a mastectomy. My self consciousness about by wider midriff put me to shame. To top it off I then ran past an older lady, struggling to lower herself into a chair on her porch and she yelled "You're fit!". I was bowled over and so appreciative of the positive heckle that I immediately called back "Thank you!" and felt really proud of myself for making the effort to get out the door. I had my mum to thank too for looking after both my children.

My marathon plan is finally started - it will be a work in progress as I adapt to how my body feels throughout the next 8 months. I aim for my long run to be 4 miles (once per week) for the whole of August and work up to 6 miles throughout September. I've been working on getting my transverse abs (the muscles that separate to let the baby grow) using a 10 minute post natal pilates you tube video . I like it because I feel like I can spare 10 minutes and the exercises are really suited to my current muscle ability. I've also factored in dynamic warm up exercises before and stretching after.

Female self confidence...Mini Mermaids vs This Girl Can

Last week: Marathon miles = 0 ... but lots of walking. Next week - back to parkrun and another run during the week plus making my London training plan.

Monday was the first night I went back to South Leeds Sisters to join in. I took the newborn with me and joined in with the walk/run group, attached to the club - Leeds Girls Can Run. Lisa was leading and was really welcoming and made sure we were all comfy with the pace and all happy to walk. I was more than happy for them to go ahead and do some reps while I caught up walking but they all said they would rather we walked together than leave me to catch up. I was really refreshing being out in the evening sun, walking through the park and sharing experiences.
I was worried the whole time I'd need to feed and would feel vulnerable doing so in the park. I'm certain that the ladies would have sat with me but I didn't want to hold them up.

When we got back I was able to feed in the safety of the sport centre bar and one of the lovely ladies sat with me and we had a really interesting conversation about Mini Mermaids. The programme is about helping girls feel comfy in their own skin and we pondered why we, as adults, still don't feel completely there yet. Personally, I struggle to say 'No' and even to small things like meeting up with a friend if I've got things on already - I'll try to squeeze everything in and end up not enjoying myself because I'm already rushing to the next thing. We wondered if it's a fear of rejection....like if I say no to something, will the person think I've rejected them and in turn reject me? If so, why should that matter? Surely I have enough about myself (and them) to say "that's not what I want to do right now but we could arrange something later". What interests me most is where did it all start? Does a programme like Mini Mermaids help? Or will our patriarchal society always make us feel like we're not good enough?

First Post Birth (solo) parkrun

Team Button

I did it! It was a lovely morning and fab to catch up with so many of my Sisters at the start. I set off in the middle of the pack and nervously trotted - I really wasn't sure about the pace and was glad to see Duncan, from Farsley Flyers, who ran with me for a bit. We chatted about the underlying features of successful new running clubs. Running for fun, rather than promoting competition seemed to be our conclusion.

Our pace was comfortable but by the last 1KM I was feeling it. My husband and little ones were cheering me on and that kept me going...apart from when the toddler started to get upset that I was running away from her, again! I just about kept up the pace and dug in for the last hill, ending in a sprint finish and time of a bit over 27 mins. I was delighted! I'd run the whole way and not struggled with 'shoulds' and "I used to do...", blah, blah!

I was elated for the rest of the morning and still proud 4 days after.

On reflection, I had been worried that I'd get comments about the way I looked and the time I'd do. I had practised my responses - "Thanks!", "I've eased up on the cake", and "Not as fast as I used to run" but none of these felt right. Luckily no one said anything about my size or 'bouncing back'. For me the biggest achievement after having a baby is keeping sane in the months afterwards. 

9 Weeks post birth, 4th run in

I had totally forgotten how much new borns struggle being on the outside! He is so much better than he's been until now 6 but still cries to get to sleep and is really unsettled in the evenings. His crying makes me really sad. By the evening I'm spent...is it too early to get him into his bed early evening? I feel like it is (tried it and it ended in tears - his and mine!) but am really struggling to feel like I get a break from him.

The toddler has been awesome and is pulling me through the 'New Born Black Hole' - knowing that he will soon interact and not need to feed from me. I've been advised not to wish the time away but it's hard sometimes.

I did my 3rd and longest run/walk on Tuesday. I had fed every 2 hours through the night and found it hard to concentrate on running tall and reminding myself to walk when it was feeling tough. It's my first solo parkrun this morning and I'm excited to be going to Cross Flatts alone but worried about conversations about getting back into 'shape' and not feeling able to walk when I need to. It's still early days so no expectations, right...?!

So, vegan porridge & raisins eaten, toddler & new born fed, formula & bottle ready for hand over time...eek!!

Mini Mermaid Running Club

I am part of Mini Mermaid Running Club UK, it's a self development programme for primary aged girls to increase their self esteem and confidence through physical activity.We coach small groups of girls  to listen to their positive inner voice and recognise their negative inner voice using story telling and sport/child psychology principles. Each girl does the 6 week programme and trains for a 5K challenge, they can walk, run, hop. skip or jump their way round. This is me and one of our newest recruits, mainly skipping (with a broken arm!) at Roundhay parkrun

I had requested to support a girl who would mainly walk the course and was glad when my Mini was told by her mum she was only to walk as she'd recently broke her arm. I was totally in awe of her energy and resilience as she skipped and jogged the whole way round with very few grumbles. She'd really liked the programme and was talking about Siren (negative thoughts) and how she needed to "Go away" so Mini Mermaid (positive thoughts) could help her round the 5K.

I was aching the next day - my hip flexors felt over stretched and, although I was proud of doing the distance just a day after my maiden voyage, I was worried I'd done too much. I was more hungry & thirsty than I had been and my new born had survived without me (surprise, surprise!). I was also proud that my toddler ran to me saying "Mummy, did you have a good time running fast?". I'd left the house with her wanting to come with me and felt guilty for discouraging her from coming out to a running event (which I'd love her to get into).

First post birth run

This is my first ever blog and I'm a bit nervous! I've decided to write it because I had my second child 8 weeks ago and also got a place for the London Marathon. I didn't write a diary with my first and feel sad that I've very few memories of what it was like getting back into running after having her so this time I'm using this as a way of having something to look back on.

To set the scene, I have been running for the fun of it for around 20 years, I started going out with my Dad as a child and took to it from there. I've taken part in plenty of races, mainly low level fell runs, cross countries and a few road runs. I got my London Marathon place with my 'Good for age' time at Manchester Marathon in 2015. I have 8 months to get myself through London, I did run up to 30 weeks pregnant so I'm hoping I'm not starting from scratch.

I also really like baking, swimming and am a total lefty!

This was me on my first ever run after birth. That was 2 weeks ago, I had been inspired by a friend (also recently had her 3rd child & training for a 7 mile trail race) to get back into fitness and also had had a pep talk about feeling OK asking for help. So, I planned with my husband for him to take both children (for the first time) to the shop while I ran and walked a mile loop round my house.

I felt awesome! I donned a baggy t-shirt and sun glasses so I was less self conscious, I ran as far as I could before walking when my back began to hurt a little and stopped to do some squats and stretches half way round. It felt so good to be out without a child I felt wild! I carried on the fitness theme when I got home and did a post natal pilates You Tube video in the garden.

My husband and two children returned and it was so nice to see them. It felt like I'd had a really nice break. My daughter wanted to do races in the garden and it was fantastic to feel like I wanted to do it rather than torn between feeding my newborn and struggling to fit her in.

South Leeds Sisters

In 2012 I set up South Leeds Sisters - a group for women to meet socially and enjoy use running.

This is us on a cold winter's night:

At Leeds half:

We've run with 401 Ben, volunteered at Run For All charity events had many social events (meals out, drinks in town and even Bingo).

We meet Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays at John Charles Centre for Sport and many of us do Cross Flatts parkrun on Saturdays.

I've met some truly awesome women through the group. I've never been much of a woman's woman - preferring the no nonsense chat of men and sharing more interests due to running/swimming and films. However, I've met some down to earth, funny and inspirational women at Sisters and they've helped me through both pregnancies and been a knowledgeable sounding board.